| so as you know, I've had incredible back problems the past week. i just had to take a moment to note, that today, i went to the doctor for the first time in years and years with *real* health insurance--that is, insurance that is not poor people/county offered health insurance. I got to go to a real doctor (as opposed to a medical student) at a real office (as opposed to a makeshift building transformed every tuesday and thursday into a doctors office)--and lawdy lawdy, it was like i was in heaven or something. the doctor even told me, well, instead of getting you all drugged up with pain medications, let's see what we can do to make sure that this doesn't happen again. it was like angels came from the heavens and shared with me a piece of what the lord must promise to those who have clean souls.
i was on pins and needles the whole time, however--asking every five minutes--are you sure my insurance covers this? are you sure my insurance covers that? i want to make sure my insurance covers that!! please don't schedule me for anything until i've checked to make sure my insurance covers that!!!
i am waiting for the reply of four different emails to the same person begging them to make sure that everything is covered.
if you have ever wondered, what's so wrong with being poor--this is it: if somebody is gentle with you, if somebody takes time to talk to you, if somebody wants to help you heal instead of drugging you until the pain goes away, if somebody believes you when you say it hurts--there must be a mistake. there must be something wrong, somebody must be tricking you or must've filed the wrong paper work or fucked something up some where.
it's not right, it's not normal or natural, for a poor person to walk into the doctor's office and not expect an all out fight with the office bill collectors, roughness and shortness in conversation from the doctors, raised eyebrows in disbelief from all concerned and a final dismal of "well, you're insurance doesn't cover it anyway, so take lots of aspirin and you'll feel better eventually."
even the 'good' doctors--the ones that honest to god care--they're medical students, and they just don't know. i had a medical student one time who, upon hearing i had two children, proceeded to use the largest fucking speculum he could find in his arsenal for a vaginal exam. now, i understand that is a god's honest mistake--two kids delivered vaginally logically must equal huge vagina, i guess. so i dont blame the kid. but the speculum made me bleed. his ignorance caused pain and hurt to my body. but it was ok, because i expected nothing better. and of course, once he realized that he was causing me physical pain, he stopped and tried to fix things--but what does a dude say or do for a woman whose vagina he just accidentally tore up when she's got her feet in the air, her ass in his face, and her bleeding vagina in his hands?
but again--i wasn't outraged, i wasn't devastated, i wasn't upset. he was inexperienced, and that's all I, as a poor person, deserve or had the right to expect. i even told him (with my hands over my eyes to hide my tears) "oh, that's ok!". god only knows well intentioned abusive help is much easier to bear when the alternative is no help at *all*.
it's been a very rough few weeks for me. somebody i love is dying. the city that person lives in, my home, my soul, is dying. the people in the city, the people who loved me, embraced me, showed me how to grow up in hell and still have a soul that bleeds magnificent ruby red, they're losing a war for their lives that everybody thinks they have no right to even be fighting.
my family, my friends, my loved ones, my community members, my people--we deserve kindness. we deserve tenderness and healing and relief and compassion. our cells, our hearts, our bones, our brains, our guts--they all deserve the peace of health and healing. they all deserve the calmness of certianty--certianty that the kindness we are receiving isn't a trick.
flint, my love, i know the answers are more complicated than "stop eating bad food" or "grow a garden" or "find a friend with a car". I know the answers are more liberatory than "get the hell out the ghetto" or "shut your legs".
and more than anything, flint, i know you deserve the answers given so freely to those with money and security. i know you deserve it because everyday, you fight the war that they won't-- so that *they* can survive--security, self-assurance, and peace of mind, all in tact.
i know you deserve it, because i deserve it--and i am you and you are me.
~en lucha
(this was cross-posted at my blog brownfemipower.com) |
