and i want you to know that i'm hanging on to the pain. that i want it to stay-- that i want it to punish me forever. that i want to hate myself forever for this. i want you to know that. i want you to take away everything i have. i want to be beaten to death for this. i want for there to be some way to make it even. it will never be even; we will never be even. i know that. and i want you to know that i look like i've been kicked in the face. i keep checking the mirror to see if it's still there, if you can still see the look on my face that says killer, that says failure, that says i can't be trusted, don't trust me, i am not good enough and never will be. don't trust me: i might kill you, or your child, or your grandmother. i am not good enough and never will be. i want you to know that i'm haunted-- that for weeks i've thought of nothing but you, but her, that i've gone over it a thousand times or more, that i've turned it over and over in my mind, that i stare at my hands and go numb again. i knew when i got into this business that i could end up hurting somebody but i didn't know it. i thought if i was careful, if i was careful and without any ego, if i looked things up and kept doubting and kept checking and kept asking for help, that if i was careful and patient and thoughtful, that if i was smart... that this would never happen. and now it happened and it doesn't matter if i'm careful or smart or humble or thoughtful or patient or anything else i thought would protect me, protect you, protect her. i want you to know that i am naked, too. that i gave the universe a hostage and it blew her away and nothing i tried to do matters any more. it isn't a mistake. mistakes protect you. a mistake can never be made again. there could be a thing you did wrong or didn't do that you promise you will never do or not do again and then you're safe. you will never hurt anybody ever. everybody will be safe forever and you will only ever make people better. you will never make them worse. they will never die because of you-- not again. it isn't someone else's fault. you had many doctors but i was one of them. you were my patient. i was your doctor. it's that simple. someone else's fault is easy. someone else's fault means that i spend the rest of my life harumphing and proclaiming that those nameless idiots should have listened to me. i vow to be more vocal next time, more insistent. it becomes a mistake, a mistake of not being assertive, of not being more forceful. and mistakes can be fixed. it is a failure. failure is what happens when you try your best, when you do everything you're capable of and it doesn't work. failure is throwing your entire self at something and not being enough. failure can keep happening forever. you can fail again. you will fail again. failures can't be fixed. you will never be safe. i will fail and fail and fail again and eventually i will die. there is no way never to fail. there is no way to be safe. there is no way for you to be safe. failure follows you to every bedside. it will never leave. i am a doctor and a failure and i failed you and i want that to hurt. i want it to hurt forever because you will hurt forever and i want to miss her with you. i want to stand in the graveyard in your heart and miss her forever with you-- because you and i were in that room together, reaching for each other, reaching for her and she slipped right through us no matter what you tried to do, no matter what i tried to do (and it doesn't matter what i tried to do). because you and i will always still be in that room, reaching. and she will always be dead. |
