Months ago I was really mean to someone who I barely knew, for no reason, I acted horribly. The person I am closest to in the world might never forgive me for how I acted, this makes me finally ready to get help. No more sabatoging myself and the people close to me. People can tell if you're crazy, they see the warning signs and don't want to fuck with you. I have been in my own world for years, oblivious to what other people see just consumed with what I see. I did feel like I was part of everyone and everything and I think this made my actions seem not as bad because if I am part of you, you can really understand me right? I might feel like the energy in my body is shared with all other energy around me and I'm inside other peoples bodies, but I'm not. I don't trust doctors but I have been trying to make appointments with a therapist and medical doctor to get my mental problems and physical problems under control. I can't live like this anymore. I haven't been in reality, the only one I can trust is me, I can't trust anything I think because I create unreal worlds in my head that mask the real world, everything is complicated nothing is simple. Everything has magical connections, I'm always paranoid someone is trying to hurt me with a spell or speech or powerful thinking or a simple old fashoined crime. The people who love me, don't stay around me. Because I do crazy things, act badly, don't show them through my actions how much they mean to me. My actions are clouded by bad judgment and confusion, I don't feel in control of my decisions. I don't have someone to help me seek treatment, I have been knowing I needed to for over a year but I was scared. Now I am dealing with so much regret over everything I have lost and I will do anything. Time for change. |
